The Seditious Pilgrim

Now posting at...

2010-06-12T02:06:00.003-04:00

Leeloo's Taipei!!

...

(sporadically anyway...)

Back Online

2010-05-23T23:05:00.002-04:00

Seditious Pilgrim is returning to the Orient! In 9 days time she will be aboard a flight to Taipei for a second time in three years (okay so not that much travel has been had recently, but there are clearly plans to rectify that...).

I will be at the NTNU Mandarin Training Center in Taipei! Yee-ha! And I am much happier to be pursuing language study on this second trip than going to teach English (a pretty comfortable job all-around but very very boring).

Expect pictures and posts!

@ Work

2010-04-09T10:15:00.000-04:00

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Sauna Sunday

2010-04-04T18:21:00.000-04:00

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Running in the Adirondacks

2010-04-04T18:20:00.000-04:00

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Seditious Pilgrim: On the move!

2010-02-27T10:43:00.016-05:00

Seditious Pilgrim is getting a new home. I call this new home, "Leeloo's Wishes", (.com). The site has yet to exist, but she is in the works. I have enlisted the creative help and expertise of a few close friends, and hope to have some semblance of a site up in the next month. It's gonna be wild. And colorful. Full of pizazz! And there will be a web cam in my room - that is if you want to donate money to the cause of my buying a web cam...
(email smanosh@uvm.edu).

You might ask yourself, "Why would I buy some silly blogger-girl a web cam, when the economy blows and I can't even afford a new toothbrush?" The answer is simple my friends. There is a cause worth fighting for bigger than the both of us, and probably bigger than just the one of us as well. Once Leeloo's Wishes is up and running, I am going to start asking for charitable donations for the purchase of a pig farm for my friend Rescelma.

Rescelma, herein referred to just as Selma, is a house servant living and working in the Persian Gulf. Anyone with any knowledge of anything probably already knows that that is not the most hospitable place in the world for working women. Selma didn't always live in the Gulf. Before her exodus to the desert, she lived in the lush tropics of the Philippines with her husband and children.

To make a long, painful story short, Selma's husband was mugged on his way to the bank when en route to make a payment on the pig farm. He lost $500 USD. In the Philippines, that is not chump change. Without income from the farm, Selma was forced to go abroad to find work. She has been away from her family for almost 10 years. She goes back once a year for a month in March, but other than that, she hasn't been able to see her kids grow up.

You might think this isn't your problem, or it is not your fault.

You would be wrong.

You see, the Philippines wouldn't be where they are today if it weren't for the Japanese, the Americans, the Spanish and the IMF. They wouldn't be where they are today if it weren't for tectonic plate shifting and cheap apparel. Or Catholicism. Or melanin. Maybe you don't see how this is your fault per se; but I think you should be convinced that if it isn't your problem now some day it is going to be.

That's because poor people easily take to revolt. The "why" should be obvious, the mechanism or "how" is less so. Religion historically has been the vehicle for social upheaval. Today it isn't any different. Islam has become synonymous with treason in American society, mostly due to the picture painted by a fearful (war mongering?) administration and in part due to some hyped up jazz about a dude named Osama.

People should know by now that Muslims are mad*. People should also know by now that Muslims aren't just Arab. Muslims are white and Asian too. In fact 10% of the Philippines is Muslim. They have Islamic terrorist groups that are trying to overthrow the government!

[Wiki Stub Here] **

So what does this have to do with Selma? What Selma isn't doing right now is raising her children. Her kids are living in a single parent household, and are taking on adult responsibilities before they ordinarily would. They are leaving school sooner and probably will earn sparsely sustainable wages as adults. They may become more likely to commit violent crimes. They might delve into Islamic extremism.

Even if politically you aren't motivated by these points, you can probably see the good in reuniting a mother with her family.

So support the future of Leeloo's Wishes today and donate!

*Not all Muslims mind you.
** No joke, the acronym for the this group is MILF.

Ironic blog post for anti-cybernetic totalists

2010-01-19T22:28:00.000-05:00

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Ahem?

2010-01-12T23:34:00.000-05:00

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IMG00342-20100109-1116.jpg

2010-01-09T11:18:00.000-05:00

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Hunger

2010-01-08T18:28:00.000-05:00

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Filled in a little more

2010-01-03T21:34:00.002-05:00

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More attempts @ drawing...

2010-01-03T21:02:00.001-05:00

I think I did a good job with my nose; but the rest of it is pretty sloppy.

The Year, In Summary

2010-01-02T15:04:00.008-05:00

I survived this New Year's Eve festivities minus some minor scrapes and bruises. The worst damage was actually incurred the night before NYE when I stupidly shut my finger in the bathroom door of The Other Place - a notoriously verminous student bar. When I explained my injury to a close friend of mine, he spared me the usual formality of asking "Are you okay?" and said with all seriousness - "You should've cut that off and left it there. You're going to come down with something viral."

I still have all the fingers on that hand, to date. (Alternating fingernail color is typical).

2009, while not being the best of my years, was also not my worst. More or less it bordered on a sort of harrowing mediocrity. Relationships that were expected to come to an end came to an end without much furor or fuss (somehow, twice). I spent another year at the job I had been at in the previous year, I maintained the friendships I'd kept for a while, and I managed to accrue and resolve more than my fair share of medical debt. I think the modern day parlance for this type of living is "getting by".

So yeah, in short, I've just been getting by. "Just getting by" is of course the dangerous forgoer to complacency - a foul, soul-deadening disease brought on by stress and inadequately funded social welfare programs*. Complacency is what people feel when they're comfortable but unfulfilled; like bears in a winter coma. So while nothing of serious import occurred in 2009, I will make sure that I am not satisfied with such a ho-hum agenda in 2010.

In any event, Happy New Year!

* Also known as failing democracies.

New Years Eve, Firehouse Gallery, Witty Captions to Come

2010-01-01T15:24:00.014-05:00

Perty!

Dashing!

Steam punk!

Celebrity rehab!

"Cha-ching!"

Buddies.

Chris got left behind...

More people @ Starbucks

2009-12-31T16:34:00.000-05:00

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Mini Munny

2009-12-28T00:16:00.001-05:00

Mini Munny Mid-paint job.

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Updated

2009-12-27T12:50:00.001-05:00

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People in line @ Starbucks

2009-12-27T12:41:00.000-05:00

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Shoes to go with the dress

2009-12-24T12:30:00.000-05:00

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NYE Dress

2009-12-24T11:56:00.007-05:00

So, I'm renting a dress for New Year's Eve this year. The first year ever that I have gone to such lengths to enjoy myself. I need your help though. I can't seem to decide between the following choices:

(Choice A)

(Choice B; also available in black)

(Choice C; about $100 more expensive than the others, so only pick C if you're in love)

(Choice D)

Also feel free to tell me if you think any of the afore-mentioned choices are hideous.

Days of Artistry 1

2009-12-17T16:22:00.000-05:00

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2009-12-08T22:52:00.001-05:00

http://www.scientificamerican.com/video.cfm?id=55353274001

Different Purse, Different Day - more quarters!!!

2009-12-08T16:42:00.001-05:00

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Lucy

2009-12-02T17:53:00.001-05:00

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In Progress

2009-11-29T14:38:00.001-05:00

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I had a dream about an Olsen twin and this is what she looked like.

2009-11-14T23:32:00.000-05:00

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Charcoal-erase portrait /for abstract drawing class/version 1

2009-11-10T15:42:00.000-05:00

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Less girly big bag, more dainty shoulder purse; surplus energy drinks

2009-11-05T17:58:00.002-05:00

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2009-11-01T17:45:00.001-05:00

2009-10-07T22:08:00.000-04:00

"Warlocks are enemies of God! And had it been in the Old Testament Harry Potter would've been put to death! No more devil!"

...Watching Jesus Camp.
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Church St Dumpling Lady on American Appetite.

2009-10-01T12:39:00.000-04:00

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2009-09-30T19:10:00.001-04:00

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My Girly Big Bag.

2009-09-30T15:50:00.001-04:00

2009-09-29T23:20:00.001-04:00

I have the internet!

2009-09-16T00:09:00.001-04:00

I'm going to start posting again! Tomorrow!

2009-08-16T10:23:00.001-04:00

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IMG00125-20090722-1338.jpg

2009-07-22T13:38:00.000-04:00

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2009-07-18T20:23:00.004-04:00

I no longer write here - mostly due to the fact that the Internet at my house is mostly non-existent. I say mostly and not entirely due to the fact that every once in a while I can discretely capitalise on Joanana's bedroom's proximity to the neighbor's house; and by extension their handy "dlink" broadcast.

Ghost Children (actors)

2009-07-04T14:40:00.000-04:00

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Toga Day

2009-07-04T12:18:00.000-04:00

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20A

2009-07-04T12:17:00.000-04:00

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INT. Henderson Home - LATE DAY

2009-07-04T12:15:00.000-04:00

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7AM, driving to location

2009-07-03T21:06:00.000-04:00

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IMG00057-20090703-0925.jpg

2009-07-03T09:25:00.000-04:00

At the child "cavorting" shot.
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First Set of the Day

2009-07-02T13:40:00.000-04:00

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2009-07-01T16:12:00.000-04:00

Recorder settings, documented here for future reference.
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IMG00049-20090701-1534.jpg

2009-07-01T16:10:00.000-04:00

Dan, our sound specialist who's teaching me how to run the boom and sound mixer.
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Production Meeting

2009-07-01T15:39:00.000-04:00

Currently arguing about whether or not our main character is crying for help or if this is an "observational" piece. I have given up trying to direct it, but I am fully on board with those pleading for an observational take....
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America runs on Dunkin Donuts, I run on Dunkin Donuts.

2009-06-24T10:27:00.000-04:00

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Old ladies with matching skirts. Precious!

2009-06-21T06:43:00.000-04:00

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Unfinished, Untitled.

2009-06-20T11:29:00.001-04:00

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Enban @ Rubulad

2009-06-15T14:05:00.001-04:00

Too scared to watch this to the end.

Also...dancing = not planned or choreographed so don't be mean.

Stubbing.

2009-06-14T20:48:00.003-04:00

It's hot enough in my bedroom to induce a stroke. Word has it that there is an air conditioner with my name on it in the garage, but I am too lazy to fish it out. Additionally, air conditioners are heavy and I am small. Recently I have also had a penchant for injuring myself. My left toe has received several good stubbing-s.

Weekend was good albeit blissfully fuzzy and incapable of being related to you at this time.

I am still working on my doodle, which is looking up, I hope and think. I bought some ittybitty canvases that I hope to paint ittybitty paintings on. Maybe caricatures of presidents? Or barnyard animals? Presidents and barnyard animals?

Film production starts on the 29th. My screenplay is not even a rough draft yet. It's some outline and some dialogue and some detailed notes on index cards.

I will, uh, post more information later.

9 Miles

2009-06-12T18:35:00.001-04:00

2009-06-11T17:23:00.001-04:00

2009-06-10T14:02:00.001-04:00

Strange ceramic dog behind kinkos counter

Hersheys + Slim Fast

2009-06-09T19:08:00.002-04:00

Walmart is full of irony

Artist Known For Obsessive Dot Painting

2009-06-09T13:41:00.000-04:00

Should've Could've been me.

2009-06-08T20:48:00.001-04:00

Commence detox

2009-06-07T20:25:00.002-04:00

My chiropractor gave me a dvd?

2009-06-06T15:17:00.001-04:00

2009-06-04T22:22:00.001-04:00

They have arrived

Eavesdroppers seldom hear anything good of themselves

2009-06-04T12:09:00.003-04:00

I got my teeth cleaned this morning, which was a momentous event. Apparently I have perfect teeth! Huzzah. Apparently everything else with me can go to shit but my teeth will still glimmer. What good fortune.

I am sitting in the Bee's Knees trying to empty a pot of gunpowder green tea. I know that as soon as I finish it I am going to get back out on the road and need to pee like a mofo. Of course, instead of stopping I will just drive faster.

But, the Williston rest stop does have free chocolates...

Somebody plowed through the front of the Bee's Knees, so the restaurant front is presently under construction. The white sheet rock has been turned into a hodgepodge of scribbles and distasteful declarations of love and "in loving memories"... There's even a few unicorns. I briefly thought about adding an octopus for good measure.

New room!

2009-05-31T23:19:00.001-04:00

Pariah Beat in My House

2009-05-31T21:02:00.001-04:00

One of these guys peed behind my refrigerator last night...

Gypsy Punk Rock Post Folk Anti Minimalist Easier Listening

2009-05-30T22:55:00.002-04:00

Monkey Bar

New place !

2009-05-30T18:51:00.001-04:00

Ta da

My Pet

2009-05-28T21:50:00.002-04:00

exhaustimated

2009-05-28T19:55:00.005-04:00

I am taking a break from packing. It is overwhelming how much useless junk I have accumulated in two years. I am inundated with packages of buttons. Maybe you know the ones? The little clear plastic baggies that come attached to new clothing? They contain "just-in-case" buttons. They are something I can never bring myself to throw out because you know, what if? What if I need those just-in-case buttons?

Of course, my preponderance of buttons implies something about the amount of clothing I lay claim to. I concede I own a lot. More than my fair share probably. A younger more adolescent version of myself would probably even be envious. I remember counting my dollar bills for the purchase of "slightly defective" threads from the Forget Me Not Shop. Now I can afford duds that are better than second best.

Doodle Update

2009-05-27T23:30:00.004-04:00

Closer...but still far away from done...

Dimensions are 18x32

Enban!

2009-05-27T16:11:00.003-04:00

ENBAN DANCES IN YOUR FACE

Our dancing did not go overlooked!

2009-05-25T22:04:00.002-04:00

I've never read The Great Gatsby.

I also hate the Grease soundtrack. Like, passionately.

What I don't know is what I like. My whole life I've been taught to do certain things , most of which I have grown to abhor. I know exactly what it is I don't want to do but I am not sure what is I want to do. I think that once I find out what it is I do want to do I will be so old and hoary I won't be able to amass the skills to carry it out professionally. I had these fears ten years ago, but I assumed a college degree would would bring enlightenment in some form or another.

In short it didn't.

I am not scared though. Knowing what I don't want seems like enough to propel me in the right direction.

My Giant Doodle Lives

2009-05-25T20:32:00.007-04:00

[new picture where the flash isn't on...]

Nowhere near finished. It's a really labor-intensive project...

and not my favorite but I feel obligated to finish it. It started off as an alien landscape and morphed into some kind of color assembly line. I think I will call it "Rainbow Super Slush".

As an aside, I really feel for and understand people who hate hippy-conceptual art. I am one of those people. I am so sick of badly-drawn crooked-upside-down faces that are meant to emulate the better days of Paul Klee. It has become kitschy (not all, but most is). It is at least rare to find someone who does it well so perhaps that just gives the whole of it a bad rap. It is something that is easy to do poorly. Also, by sharing my work I am not going so far as to profess greatness or perfection. I am simply cataloging how I have spent my time. If you read this though, and want to give feedback on how to improve what I do, please by all means...it's probably clear by now that I really enjoy bright colors and glitter. Lisa Frank would probably take me under her wing.

brief.

2009-05-22T21:49:00.002-04:00

I just opened a beer that I don't think I can drink. At least not until after I empty a can of Red Bull. Maybe two cans of Red Bull. Now that I am done with work, I've created a very predictable day by day order of operations. I wake up. Do my biochemistry training. Go running. Shower. Drink some coffee. Paint some. And drink a beer.

Eat Some Now. Save Some for Later.

2009-05-21T19:58:00.008-04:00

I don't know what the writing process looks like in other people's heads, but mine is random. It usually starts with the idea of a weird occurrence. Lately I've been thinking about suicide, not for personal reasons but for the philosophical and academic kind. Why do people commit suicide? What are the different methods? Is it possible to commit suicide and have it end up looking comical?

I believe this train of thought began when I was reading a collection of short stories by Haruki Murakami. He wrote a short story from a first person perspective about two people who are inseparable and in love in high school, but the woman-girl won't forfeit her virginity at the behest of the man-boy's plea for what he calls "oneness". She makes a promise to him however that she will sleep with him after she is married - and after she has lost her virginity. After high school, they part ways. She studies at an all girl's university, and he goes off to Tokyo University and engages in the usual Freshmen debauchery. Time passes. Man-boy is still in love with woman-girl. More time passes. Out of the blue, man-boy-person receives a phone call from woman-girl-person, mentioning that she hadn't forgotten her "promise". Man-boy rushes over, but not without some hesitation. He finds however when he gets there that he can't consummate the deal. They end up just touching/cuddling/etc. and he later goes out and sleeps with a prostitute.

Underlying all of this is a humorous vow from childhood, even though it has an overall tragic flavor to it - two people who love each other who can't do much about it because they didn't seize the moment when they had the chance. They let the passion fizzle out, and so much time has passed that they can't capitalize on their love, so-to-speak.

Somehow this is connected to my present thoughts.

If I committed suicide I think it would have to be in a bathtub full of Now and Laters. And I am not into tattoos, but if I had to get one, I think I would settle on perforated lines up the insides of my wrists in red ink, right over the cephalic vein.

I've actually sat in a bathtub full of nothing but candy before. When I was a little girl, my dad built me a float for the local parade with a claw-footed bathtub on top of it. He filled it up with Smarties and Tootsie Roll Pops. I sat in the middle and heaved the candy to onlookers.

Ow.

2009-05-21T19:06:00.001-04:00

I ran into the coin slot on the pool table...in case you can't tell that's my thigh.

2009-05-21T16:55:00.001-04:00

Mwua! I can post from my phone!

Consumptive Measures Version 2.0

2009-05-19T17:11:00.003-04:00

Museum of Modern Art, 11 West and 53 St NYC: Free Fridays!
Kind Fruit and Nut Bars: 3 for $4
Vietnamese coffee: $2.21
Liquitex acrylic paint in fluorescent green: $8.79
Script Magazine: $6.99
Save the Cat! Goes to the movies: on loan
VW Passat: $180 every month...for eternity...

Life, b.e.l.a.r.g.h.Y!

2009-05-19T15:28:00.005-04:00

I wonder if it will be possible for me to dictate general biochemistry after sitting in on the class and reading the Wikipedia stub. I've never taken organic chemistry, so sitting in on and trying to transcribe biochemistry is freakin' hard. Words creep up on you. Like hydroxylproline and oligosaccharide. Can you imagine speed typing that? I can't. Sometimes the shorthand expands for the terminology and sometimes it doesn't. It hurts though to think out how to spell carboxylic while simulataneously trying to copy down the process. The course assumes some knowledge as well, obviously. So sometimes the professor just assumes that we know (I know) what he is talking about and he speeds through the process even faster. Like explaining to someone how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich assuming they already know what a sandwich is. Or jelly. Or a knife. Or wheat versus white.

I even went into this assuming that the summer class would be more intensive than a semester long course. Nope! The biochemistry class meets once a week and is just as brisk. With the same professor - who happens to boast that he talks faster than the average human being at about 160 WPM.

I am trying to buy a car too. A process which keeps being thwarted by things like banks, interest rates, and money. Did I mention I am moving?

Pitches

2009-05-17T11:48:00.005-04:00

Samantha Rugby has always let people do the talking for her, but when she loses her job as a court reporter and later her boyfriend, she is forced to reinvent herself. Based upon the life of a living author, and told through the trials and tribulations of a bumbling stenographer, "Writing Samantha" is a comical journey to sort out the story in one woman's mind.

---

I think I am burnt out on the idea already...I need some inspiration. Maybe I should be writing a WWII movie. I need a co-author to push me along.

Here we go!

2009-05-16T16:48:00.002-04:00

I've been doing a fair amount of research this afternoon for the "screenplay" I am writing - is there a way to say that without sounding pretentious or highfalutin? I can't say the words screen play without feeling dirty. It's like casually bringing up that you've been reading a lot of Ludwig Wittgenstein recently. Or Goethe. "Oh yeah, I've been reading a lot of Ludwig Wittgenstein recently and working on my screen play".

I don't really expect it to be good. Or saleable. But I do expect to finish it. I've been enjoying the process of sorting out information in my head and working out scenes and themes. I have one character for instance who really enjoys postcards, and as a consequence I've been researching the history/collection of postcards. I've always wondered who bought those dusty stacks of postcards from antiques stores. I also didn't expect to find for instance that some of the very first postcards were used to propagate pornography over international borders! (The following link is NSFW).

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/c9/JMandelFloralArchwayNude.jpg

Those silly French.

Don't let the art of postcard collecting die!

2009-05-11T14:31:00.004-04:00

Being forced to write is no fun. Forcing yourself to force yourself to write at least has the edge of a feeling of accomplishment. Hopefully I will have an idea of that in a couple of days time. Once I start writing. I keep flirting with the idea of going away for the summer but I can't settle on anything. Or anywhere. I just got back from what ended up being a sweet excursion to NYC, but I caught a monster of a flu virus. I've been bed-ridden for the past two days, and the only foods that look appetizing to me come in beige or brown. Salt and vinegar potato chips. Bagel. Burrito. Snapple.

I saw Times Square. China Town. The Museum of Modern Art. A homeless guy with a dead rat tied to his head. ... and Princess Sunshine...

I also got to perform! (perform?) on stage! I danced the robot in a hazmat-ish suit.

Noun Verb Noun continued

2009-05-07T13:15:00.003-04:00

A man walks into a bar
A chicken crosses the road
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton forfeits Puerto Rico to the Mexicans
A blind man travels across Africa
A little girl learns to read a book
A japanese wooper looper pet escapes into the sewer on a ramen noodle
Cats start conspiring with dogs
Kitchen appliances are outlawed by the federal government
A baby monkey gives birth to spiders
I write the great American novel
A woman falls in love with a married man
A man falls in love with a dead woman
An impoverished family loses their home
A deaf girl goes to college
A prisoner escapes through a chain link fence
A Chinese man dies while building a highway between Beiijing and Lhasa
Pigs fly from Kentucky to Las Vegas for holiday
A dinner party featuring talking yaks
A hairstylist that eats human flesh
A pianist who climaxes at the sound of a French horn
A mother who collects spanking paddles

Noun Verb Noun

2009-05-06T15:15:00.002-04:00

Man dies in Vietnam.
Lil' Kim arrests Dr.Dre
Paris Hilton contracts poverty
Ricky Lake takes up the clarinet
A lake floods a town.
A Military dictatorship dominates the globe.
Women stop wearing pants.
A disease propagates that quickly deadens everyone's senses (blind, unfeeling and otherwise) enslaving more than 75% of the population.
A man has an allergic reaction to peanuts, after working 30 years in a peanut processing facility.
A man kills a man.
Gavin Rosedale starts a boy band.
Dolphins walk on land.
United States builds up cyber warfare unit, attacks North Korea.*
Qadaffi starts WWIII
Meerkats overthrow the government.
Knife juggler seeks career in modeling

...brainstorming is hard.

*The event is televised.

Hello.Twerps.

2009-05-02T19:55:00.007-04:00

Twenty-eight days to make a decision. Swine flu no longer seems like quite the problem everyone was making it out to be, so international travel is less daunting. It also turns out that I don't need surgery right away.* With my resources however I would be ever so disappointed in myself if I misallocated them and didn't maxmize my returns; i.e, I squandered my money away on a trip and came back without the money to put myself through the classes I need in order to get into the graduate program that I want.** I am trying to keep my eyes on the future without depriving myself of the joys of being 24 and as close to responsibility-free as most twenty-four year olds get. Where is the line? And at what point do I cross over it? How much freedom can I allow myself before I wander into the waters of neglect and idiocy? I need a spiritual leader. Or a Magic 8 Ball. Or a fortune cookie. Perhaps a soothsayer.

I just read that Prince was "born epileptic". Does that mean he seizured his way out of the birth canal?

*But apparently I still need to be scared about having Multiple Sclerosis - I've already ordered a handful of bizarre supplements heralded as possible M.S. slower-downers. These include Alpha Lipoic Acid, Curcumin and Iodine. Less strangely Vitamin D and Fish Oils. I also plan on going outside without sunscreen. A lot. Fuck you Helper T Cells.

**Believe it or not, I can recognize a run-on sentence.

SSEEP Testing ... yadda yadda

2009-04-18T14:44:00.006-04:00

I finally got handed a diagnosis. It's not as "diagnostic" as I would've liked, but at least it's something. I have Syringomyelia. When my neurologist told me he actually wrote it on a piece of paper and told me to Google it*. I have an accumulation of cerebrospinal fluid in my spinal cord that isn't supposed to be there and can't be explained - hence my hesitation for accepting this as an actual diagnosis. Typically it's caused by a congenital defect or back trauma; neither of which I have had - making this a much rarer and suspicious condition. What's even weirder is that I mentioned it at my dance class on Thursday and another girl (woman really) lit up and was like "OMGIHAVETHATTOO!". Maybe it is something that afflicts people who like to dance? Anyway, we were both diagnosed by the same neurologist, and without me mentioning it, she said that he was quote "AN ASSHOLE" and that he made her google her condition without saying much other than that she would live and need regular MRIs.

Anyway, she seems to be doing alright and she's had it for six years.

I am consulting with a neurosurgeon next month and at the end of this month I am getting SSEEP testing. Bad news: it is wildly uncomfortable. Good news: they sent me a script for Valium (three pills you fiends).

* You would think that at a rate of $200 plus a session he might be able to orally communicate my diagnosis rather than out source me to a search engine.

News Bulletin

2009-03-29T23:34:00.003-04:00

Still in pain. Still coping. As an experiment, I went off my heartburn meds thinking that maybe I didn't have heartburn... and that there was some other foulness at play. Wrong! It is THE heartburn. How strange. Strange that the first time I ever (ever) experience heartburn is all the time randomly for three weeks up to now. I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and catch up on my Prilosec.

I am scheduled for an MRI in about a week's time. They (the wonderful people in the Fletcher Allen Ambulatory Care Unit) are going to take images of my thoracic and lumbar spine. They are going to do this because I have idiopathic tingling and numbness extending down from my waist and into the tips of my toes. My jaw and the back of my head also-almost-always-are throbbing. Odd? Yes. I haven't had any (obvious) accidents or injuries.

And yeah. This has been going on for six months now. It takes a really long time to apply for health insurance and find competent doctors. I went to another neurologist two months ago and they (word for word said) "Even if you have multiple sclerosis you still have to 'live your life'" followed up with, "it is not worth the money to do all these tests".

Now I have a neurologist who is running the tests without skipping a beat. Unfortunately I just lost two months in the waiting process.

In Summary

2009-03-24T17:28:00.002-04:00

The search for a cure lingers on. The answer to my problems hopefully dwells not far. I can barely begin to speculate however what the form of that answer might be. Would I feel better with a dog, for instance? Will an acupuncturist finally unlock my Chi? Or will relief be found at the bottom of a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream? It remains to be seen whether Nexium will have an advantage over Prilosec OTC (aka; "Over the Counter" Prilosec). A medication recommended by a doctor who has a hunch that I suffer from chronic heartburn*. Apparently the difference between Nexium and Prilosec OTC is nothing, except for the fact that Nexium is only available from a pharmacist and costs exactly five-hundred and forty-five U.S. of A. dollars if you don't have health insurance. Prilosec - "over the counter" is just as the name implies, available without a prescription. It costs $11.99 for the 14-day treatment pack. You can get a year's supply of Prilosec OTC for $25.99 from your local Rite-Aid this week as there has been a temporary reduction in price.

I am now day 2 into the Prilosec OTC experiment and the results have been disappointing. I still feel like a generously proportioned elephant is playfully resting on my chest. At least now I have ruled out heartburn? At least now I might have reason to believe there is something far more evil at work? Optimism is waning fast.

I think the best way to adequately summate my resignation is in one word. Acupuncture. I have now twice paid to let someone stab me with needles. I am trying to let myself believe that, in the long run, it will have done me some good. The true immediate effect feels like defeat - earned based on having spent cash on something that is the cathartic equivalent of a rigged carnival game. Now that I think about it though, the one time I put my arms around one of those over-sized teddy bears I felt largely absurd.

Maybe feeling better wouldn’t be so ...better.

*Many a prudent layperson think that this is a crazy hunch. Maybe because I am 24, not overweight, and my chest pain has nothing to do with eating.

The first paragraph of the letter that I am spitefully writing to Fletcher Allen...

2009-03-21T18:00:00.001-04:00

March 21, 2009
Fletcher Allen Health Care
Christopher Dutton
Board of Trustees
111 Colchester Avenue
Burlington, VT 05401

To Whom it May Concern,

This is a courtesy letter. I assume that you care about the quality of treatment that Fletcher Allen Health Care and its subsidiaries provide. I also assume that you want to know of any dirty dealings, gross harassment cases, and generally absurd neglect. While I believe it is difficult for any large institution to oversee the work of all of its employees, it is disconcerting when the standard for adequate health care is not met in an array of departments. To add insult to injury, I have also discovered that when your physicians don't have the answers they are very slow to seek help or additional information. I have been the unfortunate recipient of referral after referral; which in addition to being time consuming and expensive, is also wildly discouraging. I chalk this up to laziness on the behalf of the doctors that I have been working with and insurance parlance which limits what could otherwise be good judgment. I have also found that instead of being treated as a whole person with individual bodily complaints, it has been necessary for many physicians to subdivide me into pieces -- an approach which intuitively and logically makes no sense.

I am going to medical school.

2009-03-10T19:10:00.004-04:00

If this keeps up. My long hiatus from S.O. has been necessitated by debilitating and chronic all-over unquantifiable and undiagnosable pain. Mostly summed up by "tingling" and "brain electricity" coupled with "neck stiffness". But the kind of cranial lightning that makes a leg or arm twitch. Or an occasional eye. For me it is reminiscent of the tic I used to fake out of boredom during middle school science labs.

Except now it's real. I am developing palpable empathy for everyone afflicted with a brain or neurological disorder that wasn't their own doing*. What's scarier than walking out into traffic and not knowing if your foot is going to hit the ground like it is supposed to? Or attempting to do on-the-fly Tibetan meditation in a crowded internet cafe to thwart seizures?** Given you actually believe in the power of the mind over the physical realm - which you probably find difficult to conceive if you have Lou Gehrig's or Multiple Sclerosis. I imagine, on the contrary, that the physical world is more akin to a constant insurmountable adversary. Like, always entering a game of Tetris on the highest difficulty level, blind.

I believe everyone at one time or another is overcome with the sensation of being trapped in their own body. Or in a bad situation. However, the moment typically comes to pass, and control is restored. For a brief moment we can't see past the present circumstances and we are overcome with emotion -- convinced of the end, a cessation of pleasure and will to live. Anyone who has been hit by lost love, general rejection or disappointment understands this feeling. Aging and experience help us recover faster. But take that one step further and think of yourself in that state, only it is a degenerative condition with each day being a little bit more painful and you can't get out.

I am not saying I am experiencing this, but I am saying it happens. It's real and day to day we are apt to encounter people who wrangle with those pains without recess.

And goddamn it it sucks not to be taken seriously, or to be to told you have an "anxiety disorder" or are "depressed". Especially when the only thing stressing you out is pathological neurologists.

*silly Dead Heads.
**No comment

Excerpt from Class (for real!)

2009-02-23T21:43:00.002-05:00

"It's been 40 years! The liberal media -- a group masturbation, they keep self-gratifying themselves on this crap"*

* A professor's response to a colleague's request that he see Frost/Nixon.

Word of the Day

2009-02-20T10:13:00.001-05:00

"dumbest"

accidentally spelled "dummest"

Please don't point out the irony.

I need an exciting career change...

Word of the Day

2009-02-12T17:04:00.001-05:00

"defamation"

Phrases that could be euphemisms; Example 1

2009-02-07T16:41:00.001-05:00

"mailing a package".

Word of the Day

2009-02-06T20:52:00.001-05:00

"Carburetor"

Word of the Day*

2009-02-05T14:50:00.004-05:00

"Subpoena"

Yesterday it was "discretion" which I tried spelling "disgression".

*The Word of the Day is a word I used in Typewell at work and somehow managed to spell horribly wrong.

Someone Else is Drawing Every Day Instead of Me

2009-02-05T03:59:00.002-05:00

Inspired by my promises, my buddy Matt has decided to do a drawing a day instead of me!

Behold his glory.

Giant Doodle.

2009-01-31T17:44:00.002-05:00

It's not true that I haven't been working on anything... but it's kinda ugly.

It's more or less a giant doodle.

No Longer Striding.

2009-01-30T19:02:00.006-05:00

I think an interesting byproduct of the internet has been a tendency for people to self-diagnose their ailments. At least I know that any time I get a cramp I am at my computer doing a Google search for possible causes or characteristic diseases. It typically does me more harm than good because a simple backache can transform into a nasty degenerative, communicable or terminal condition with the tap of a key.

Or click of the button?

Anyway, I am feeling a bit better. And despite all of my worrying over the past few months I am now happily convinced that I don't have cancer. Or poly cystic ovarian syndrome. Or foot and mouth disease. Or SARS. Or Botchulism. I might still have endometriosis though, which sucks.

For the time being I am not in pain anymore though. Which is reassuring. I have admittedly fallen into a dark creative-less trench on the other hand and I am finding it difficult to fulfill my (self-imposed) obligations as an "up and coming" artist. I don't really want to draw. Or write. Or much less hang out with people. A physician might call that depression, but if I could I would opt for a word much less pointed. Like, "overwhelming indifference". Not sadness. Maybe misanthropy works... but in a passive, resigned way.

I was going to sit down today to write an essay for a fellowship for a program. But then rereading it today I realized I don't qualify because I am not already enrolled in one of the masters programs they had listed. So, I can't hope to win full tuition coverage for Middlebury this summer. Bummer. And then I picked up a copy of Foreign Affairs because I am a political junkie, and lo and behold I found an article on foreign service officers. The summary of the article was more or less, "it really sucks to be one". Well, sort of. The article also hinted that the government ought to divert some of its military spending into the state department to promote diplomacy, which is something Mr. President Obama might spring for. Especially considering that we'll soon be freeing ourselves from the Iraq cluster fuck.

On the brightish side, I just paid the premium on my HEALTH INSURANCE. That's right, I can now go to the emergency room without fear. I can get slightly discounted prescription drugs. I can get free annual breast exams. I can catch more germs by frequenting the hospital and touching things...

Passing time at the hospital...2.5 hours...

2009-01-27T22:01:00.001-05:00

Hospital gown chic.